stuff you have a hard time admitting to but should

there should be a category ‘confessions’ under which i file this sort of stuff. matter of fact, i am going to make one right now. ‘confessions’, and ‘beautiful place names’ -because i have just realized how many of them i have posted here.

there, added.

but let’s not change the subject. we’re here to confess. to stuff that one can only confess online in anonymous blogs. and i don’t care if our pretensions of anonymity are falling apart anymore. i am after catharsis.

i hereby confess that i often look for my name in an incoming group email to see where it is… towards the beginning or the end. if the list is alphabetical, then, well, whatever. i can’t help having a name that puts me wherever, or worse, a last name that assigns me to the end of the queue. but if it is random, or worse, if there is a whiff of some sort of order and my name ends up towards the end, then i don’t feel so good. a sane and self-secure person ought not to even notice that sort of thing. i guess my only saving grace is that i notice that i notice. but still. is there a limit to how petty, insecure, and egotistical i can be? seemingly no.

also i often surprise myself with how hateful i can be. i can hate so hard and bad it can move me. it can make me feel more alert and alive. and sometimes i catch myself during these moments of intense hatred and get shocked -not because i can hate. everyone does, and i don’t want to claim that i don’t. that would not be true. what shocks me is the sheer strength and concentration and intensity of it. in fact, if i had to assign numbers to how strongly i feel various feelings, hatred would rank close to 8 out of 10 (with 10 the red zone where one does something stupid) during particular moments of intensity and madness, while sorrow would rank at around 6 at best (with 10 being total depression.) am i ready to admit how love would rank? i guess i should be some other time -because i don’t feel particularly charitable right now…

there. stuff you have a hard time admitting to… but should.


~ by safrang on June 8, 2008.

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