an overdue spiel

I DON’T GET IT!‎
There is so much noise. So much noise. It’s deafening. It’s driving me crazy. And it’s all ‎completely incomprehensible to me.‎
I just don’t get it. ‎
I feel like the petit prince in de saint exupery’s book le petit prince. I want to ask why are ‎all the grown ups like this?‎
چرا همه آدم بزرگ ها این گونه هستند؟
My head is a confused jumble. I have to get my head straight. I have to sit and sort things ‎out with myself. I have just muddled through it all over the weeks and months. And when ‎you do that, when you muddle through things and don’t reflect and meditate and ‎deliberate and discriminate and look back and then reflect some more, then, well, it ‎becomes confusing. Like it is now for me. Sometimes I wonder how my poor head can ‎take it all. All these issues. ‎
Work. ‎
Life. ‎
Home. ‎
Away. ‎
Me. ‎
You. ‎
Him.‎
Her.‎
Yesterday-today-tomorrow
Why.‎
When.‎
Back. ‎
Then.‎
Scooby. Dooby. Doo. ‎
Where are you? (I miss you.)‎
I stand tall –posture is important. I walk straight and take firm steps. I am impeccably polite and neat. I shave ‎regularly –every two days- and get a haircut regularly -every 21 days- the same amount ‎of time it takes for an egg to hatch (I am convinced there is a connection somewhere in ‎there.) I do admit -sometimes I am lazy and do not tie my shoelaces in the morning, but ‎then I tie them on the way to work. I discuss the news of the day first with my driver, ‎then with my boss, then with my staff over breakfast. Before every important meeting I ‎take a few deep breaths, draft talking points, take enough business cards to pass ‎around, and check myself in the mirror. I look confident. I exude confidence. I give the ‎right impression. Or, rather as is the case, the wrong one. That is, odds are if we ever met face ‎to face (aint gonna happen), you would never figure me for one possessing such inexplicable personality ‎complexes, such insecurities, such uncertainties, such a muddled and confused mind. And ‎yet. And yet. I mean come on, I am blogging about this crap. How insecure, self-‎absorbed, and pathetic is that? ‎
Anyhow, I did not mean to come down so heavily on myself tonight. But whatever. Na ‎m’importa.

ps.(depending on how i feel a few moments from now, this post will either be deleted/passwordprotected/cleaned up/left as is.)

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~ by safrang on May 6, 2008.

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