The Urge to Scream

Is what I feel now. I used to be able to write about my inner states. Then I was rebuked (and in turn I rebuked others, unkindly) about writing too much from sentiments, which is why my other blog turned into a collection of received ideas, some others made up, and all in all, they ceased to be about me. And that was frustrating. And the urge to scream became ever more intense.

Which is why I started this hamlet. To let out. To be free. I decided to keep it from everyone. Anonymity is good, I think. I wonder if this is cowardice? Maybe it is. I feel the need to hide myself. My flickr stream, my other blog, this blog -all are under aliases. On the net I go by two names, and increasingly, I am known to many only by my alias. Is that strange? I am thinking that it is good. It is a kind of escape, from myself -from my built up identity. From the identity strictures that most people around me attribute to me. So I have build up this other persona -hamesha- to hide behind. He is bolder than I am, he is more witty -which is what I am not in my real life-, and he is an all around better person.

So yes, I AM frustrated that this blog continues to not be about me, continues to refuse to express my inner states (the way that for example this blog does -I envy that ability to write truthfully and masterfully about one’s inner self -about the everydayness of it.) It is as if even under this alias I am unable to bring down the walls. I feel like I need to write about this or that artist or this or that book. A literary reflections page. Which is alright. But that is not me again. What should I do to be able to just write about my wretched self and my ordinary day and my mundane thoughts and my love for things that may be kitsch and my philistine aesthetics and all of those things that all of us have and that we refuse to tell others…

Maybe I should just start it.

I am going to take some music, go to a nearby river, take my camera and shoot some pictures (because I was looking at someone else’s flickr stream and was inspired by it, and because I have a ton of work to do and I need to escape) and then come back to edit them and post them…

I never thought that photography would be such a great diversion and that I would come to like it this seriously…Thanks the lords of Kobol for flickr!

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~ by safrang on February 4, 2007.

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