i want to break something.
i want to throw a ripe watermelon off a 3 story building and watch the impact.
i want to throw ripe, blood-red pomogranates at a white wall with all the force in me arms.
i want to punch a punching bag and shoot at a goose feather pillow so that feathers fly all over the place.
i am so mad i am beyond myself.
and the thing of it is, no matter what i do, no matter how i distract myself -even if i go for a swim, or go around the world- the moment i return and sit here again, the whole nightmare will play itself out again.
and i am too much of a coward to pick up and leave it all. leave it all. just leave. wander into the heart of darkness and walk into wakhan with a rucksack and 750 afs in my pocket and good walking shoes. that is the only thing i will take in fact.